Touching the moment.

Every night at eleven, it was the same. Floss, brush my teeth, wash my make-up ans examine my face if I had got any older than the day before. Words could not express my disgust in this everyday routine that would remind me of what the next day would be like.
Wake up early, go to work,coffee,log on,work,work,work, log off.

There was nothing to complain about my social life.

But the moment I got in front of the mirror again, I was reminded. Reminded of the wrong decisions I had made and the wrong paths that I had taken. For I was not where I wanted and did not know where I was heading.

I still don't know where I'm heading, but there's no rush. I'm finally living, touching and tasting the moment and it feels like gold.

E.Y

Coulrophobia- Fear of Clowns

Clowns. I can't bear to see them, hear them and you can even forget about hugging them! This doesn't have to do anything with Steven King's clown in the movie IT(who by the way has serious dental problems)but rather from my own experiences and my own imagination of what really lies behind all the make-up.

I started developing my phobia at a birthday party. I think I was around 11. Living up to the expectations of being a brat, I stepped on the clown's long shoe to see his reaction. The look he gave me was not what I expected. I thought he would as his job requires,laugh out loud or just make a grimace but instead I saw a blend of sadness and resignation. I could see right through him and I despised the irony in it.
Since then, with the help of sterotyped clowns from the movies, where they're either drunkards or losers, I look different at clowns in my surroundings. Again,I have this picture of a clown coming back to his own shabby apartment with cold grey walls, sitting on a simple bed and his head down with his wig in his hand.

Sad,sad,sad.

E.Y

All my single ladies!

There is similar pattern in all single ladies passing their 30'ies. They all tend to earn well, have their own apartments and a little dog to fill in their emotional emptiness.
Thinking of all the women magazines who are meant to build up our self-esteem, among the pictures of non-affordable Guccis and Chanels, we find the most uplifting self-esteem building pages. One magazine as I recall, would guarantee you a boyfriend within a month. Depressive as these tips sounded, one of them suggested buying a dog. Walking a dog in the park would attract men and in that sense "maybe" you would attract him too. So at the expense of a dog, you might find your better half.

Great as it is, it makes me wonder how the life of this dog would be. Waiting for its owner to come home from work or from her social life.

It doesn't take long before you end up in a vicious circle where you start cutting down on your social life that actually would enable you to meet somebody.

Everything is notional.

One of our biggest mistakes and our own source to unhappiness is comparing ourselves to others. We compare our lovelifes, financial situations and where we're heading.
We may be faced with the same opportunies,but what we seem to forget is that we all come from different backgrounds and experiences.

In a moment of envy,we forget that while we have been having a blast, someone else may have been going through hell. Everything is notional.

Unfairness does exist and so does inbalance in lifestyles. What we shoud remember is to focus on our own dreams and expectations. In the end, everyone's racing at their own track.

E.Y.

We're living for free.

I often compare my favourite Turkish poet, Orhan Veli Kanik to one of my favourite poets of the Beat Generation, Allen Ginsberg.

FOR FREE

We are living for free;
The air is for free, the clouds are for free.
Hills and dales are for free;
Rain and mud are for free;
The outside of cars,
The entrance to movie houses,
The store windows are for free;
It is not the same as bread and cheese,
But salt water is for free;
Freedom will cost you your life,
But slavery is for free;
We are living for free,
For free.


Orhan Veli
Translated by Murat Nemet-Nejat, 1989